I have 2 boys, ages 5 and 8 (Finnigan and Gage). I also have a 12 year old step daughter, Jade.
Being a parent is hard work. No one will ever deny that statement.
Last year and this year have been the most challenging part of being a parent to date. As I've mentioned previously, Gage had some health problems that were caused be exposure to the strep virus. This caused his immune system to attack his body, specifically his kidneys, and he went into full renal failure. We spent a few weeks at Sick Kids Hospital in Toronto, never leaving his bed side through the entire (terrifying) ordeal. When we finally came home with Gage, he wasn't completely out of the woods and wasn't able to go back to school for another few weeks. When he started back, he went part time only, then spent the summer recovering and getting his energy back. He started Grade 3 in September, his 3rd year of french immersion. It became clear to us at his parent teacher interview that he was struggling with varying aspects in school. While we know - despite being biased - that Gage is a smart kid, his marks were awful and he struggled massively with paying attention.
We took him to more doctors to rule out anything like ADHD (or similar), which is what was recommended by his teacher. I knew he didn't have ADHD, but we looked at every option. We changed around his diet, talked to him until we were blue in the face, and felt completely helpless. It wasn't until Gage's doctor at Sick Kids, who saved his life months previously, pointed out that it didn't sound like his teacher was very compassionate and understanding of the massive ordeal Gage went through. This made us realize some big emotions.
Here we are, trying so desperately to just go "back to normal" but we didn't actually make sure we were all - Gage included - okay with the huge emotions we dealt with during Gage's ordeal. In that moment, we put Gage into counselling and we took a good hard look at how we parent. It was mind boggling. We all ended up doing some soul searching.
We felt like awful parents, not listening to Gage and what he had to say. Once we started talking about his ordeal in the hospital and he opened up to us about how he still felt, he became this open book. He told us how he didn't like how his teacher talks to him, and how she makes him feel. That was not okay for us to hear as parents! We tried desperately to talk to his teacher about all this, and to the vice principal at his school. We were met with a 15 minute meeting - really, 15 minutes was all we were given - and nothing, literally, was accomplished in that meeting. Gage didn't feel comfortable enough to tell anyone how he really felt about his teacher and how she makes him feel. It was so upsetting for us, and we feel as though the school system has failed our kid.
This school year has made us angry, but we've learned a lot about how we want to raise our children. It has also opened the door for more conversation, and that is absolutely a step in the right direction.
We learned a valuable lesson on the importance of listening to our kid above anyone else. And believing him. If we want to raise a well adjusted person who openly talks about his feelings, we have to lead by example and start now. This has led us to openly talking to our kids every night at the dinner table. We've also tried very hard as parents to stop doing the empty threat yell that so many parents do as a last resort to make their kids listen - you know, the "if you don't do this by the count of 3, you are going in a time out forever and ever" kind of yell. We just started listening. And getting down on their level when they get frustrated and upset.
I know this isn't a traditional post - but I felt it was worth sharing some of our experience because it's all part of the big picture. Our boys are wild and constantly laughing. They make silly jokes all the time - and always about poop, for crying out loud - but I love every minute of it. And the bottom line here, is that the more our children realized that we are listening to what they have to say, the less they act up and throw big tantrums and lose their shit. It's a win/win.
The school year isn't over yet, but we've been saying for months that we hope grade 4 is better for Gage. He's a good kid and he deserves to be in a classroom where a teacher kindly encourages him and builds his confidence. I wanted to share all of this because I know I'm not alone. Our school system frustrates us in so many ways, because it was not created to help every kind of kid. It's more of a "one size fits all". Don't get me wrong, I know there are incredible teachers out there. Our Finnigan has an awesome kindergarten teacher who raves about what a great kid Finn is. Gage had a really good teacher last year too. But it has just taken this one school year to lower Gage's self-esteem to the point of not even wanting to try in class. As parents, it's so very hard to help him when the teacher won't work with us.
My favourite parenting book, which really got this entire ball rolling, is "How to Talk so Children Will Listen, and How to Listen so Children Will Talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlich (click here to buy)
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